I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
