someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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