It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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