You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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