haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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