there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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