College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
