her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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