I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
