Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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