FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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