I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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