I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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