i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i now understand why vodka
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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