Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
