Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
