whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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