He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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