Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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