I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
