Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
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Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
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I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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