if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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