you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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