DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
