He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
