i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
