I can text with my tongue
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
