I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You pole danced in your parka.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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