oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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