In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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