I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
