Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
