You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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