Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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