i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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