you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
