I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
