you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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