I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
