nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
