He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
