I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
