life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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