my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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