I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I will pee on everything he values.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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