is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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