also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
