My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
