Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
