I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
