she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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