Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
