She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
