Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
