He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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