The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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