i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
