my mouth tastes like poor choices
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i will never coherently bang her
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
