I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
