Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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