How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
