she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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