at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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