peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
