I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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