so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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